Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
