Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You are a genius and a whore.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
