God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
now i know why i became what i already was.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
