Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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