the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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