I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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