I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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