for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
