they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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