I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
