I cannot find my penis.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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