i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
