remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
