According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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