just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
