Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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