I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
