god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
