apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
