I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
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he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life