I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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