I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
