he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
