That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
