a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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