There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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