I cannot find my penis.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
