remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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