just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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