i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
