My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
