I want to have your abortion
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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