we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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