May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
