Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
