sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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