When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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