do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
