I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
