I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
