I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
