Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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