Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need water and some morals
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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