i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
