$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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