I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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