Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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