This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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