His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
