Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
