Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
