YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
