I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
