your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
you guys were way drunker than both of me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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