I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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