I could make wine with my vomit
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
