she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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