I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know her cup size but not her name....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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