Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
