I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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