I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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